I’ve been having horrible nightmares lately, ones that wake you up disoriented and feeling full of fuck. The other night the last thing I did was talk on the phone with my dad really quick about logistical stuff and then passed out. 5am I wake up in the fetal postion crying, heaving and practically screaming.(The first real time I’ve cried since I left Orlando) I had dreamt about literally everything horrible my father ever did to me, all at once, in one dream. I don’t even know how long the dream was but towards the end of the dream was a replay of a time when my father in one of his rages was calling me horrible names and stopped on the side of the road and pushed me out and drove away. I then woke up. 

Realizing how relevant the situation was to how I feel now, I cried till I left for work. I’ve kept everything in and didn’t have the chance to cope with anything that has happened in the past 25 days. As much as I know it isn’t their fault, I really feel abandoned by my family. I graduate college and they leave the country. In the most vulnerable time in my life my family goes to a seemingly unreachable place. I know I’ll be fine and it’s forcing me to make decisions but it’s just hard to deal with all at once. Moving to an unfamiliar and unwelcoming place from a place that I flourished and loved and all while knowing my family is an ocean away and won’t see them for almost a year.

I’m only 20 and all this is just so overwhelming. Exciting? sure, but it’s come with a cost. It’s slowly paying off. Getting to work on a national television show and a 200mil budget feature film all within my first month of moving here is pretty great. I suppose I just needed to write it out. 

I can’t even express how my heart aches when I think of my time in Orlando and my friends from VA. I feel like I abandoned them in a way but I can’t even begin to comprehend the emotions that run through my head when I think of them and put them into words. Maybe I’m just lonely and don’t want to entirely admit it. 

YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU’RE NOT AS UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. 

So I’m pretty okay to admit that I’ve been seeing and hooking up with a girl now… I’ve come to terms with it and have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’ve opened myself up to myself more than anything. It feels good. 

You made me a fool and then walked away and yet you wonder why I’ve done the things I’ve done? You really think this is in spite of you? I’m not as self-destructive as you think I am. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with my own self-liberation. I stood up for myself for once in my life. That’s where it all started NOT when you decided to abandon everything I gave.